Happy Thanksgiving. But I'm probably only going to say that to myself.

I ate a lot of food today, and it was really loud in the house. Mr. Johnson brought champagne and got a little tipsy after dinner. He's loud and funny when he's tipsy.
Dan didn't drink. Ryan kept trying to put his fingers into the champagne glass. At one point he did, then he licked them. The face he made was hilarious.
We had basically the same kind of meal anyone else would have. Turkey, stuffing, gravy, yams, potatoes, cranberry stuff. Just, because of Johnson's money, they looked a little different.
The cranberry stuff was shaped into little things, like leaves and had details of the veins of the leaf running through it. You just popped one in your mouth and ate it.
The turkey was cut up and set in a big bowl over the center of the table, where underneath there were heaters to keep the gravey around it warm.
The yams were topped with marshmellows and spice and were already on our plates when we got to the table because of the chef.
For dessert, we had a lot of stuff. Almost like a buffet. Ryan ate pumpkin tarts and cider. He wouldn't warn anyone when he had to burp, and burped twice on dan when he was giving him a kiss.
All our stomachs were big when we left the table. Johnson laid down in front of the TV to watch football. Dan and I sat on the other side of the room talking. Dan fell asleep while I was in the middle saying something. Ryan was already asleep before we even sat down.
Johnson asked if I wanted to watch football with him while Dan slept. He covered Dan and Ryan up with blankets. Ryan kept waking up because Dan constantly moved while he was sleeping. Johnson eventually put him on another couch with a stuffed animal so that he wouldn't be bothered.
I don't really like football, and it was hard to concentrate. I felt weird sitting so close to Johnson and not saying anything. During the commercials was the worst.
Dan came over after a while and used Johnson's stomach as a pillow. He then tried to talk to me but drifted off to sleep. He's a weird one.

At eight, a few of Dan's friends came over. About 4 of them for drinks and dessert.

At eleven they left. They were really fun to be around. One girl pretended to give me a lap dance which everyone thought was hilarious. I didnt get it.

Its about one. I'm just about to get to sleep. I really liked this Thanksgiving. Dan and everyone treated me so well. I really didnt feel lonely this entire day.

Today I’m going to take the day off.
I’m not going to do anything.
Well, maybe a few things.
I want to take a bath, take a long walk, and finish some homework.
I also need to buy a few things:
MAC Royal Assets: 6 Smokey Eyes - $36
MAC Royal Assets: 3 Coral Lips - $22
And some brush cleaner. But I think I can get that at the Walgreens for $5.
Maybe I can go over to the gym…because there’s a Starbucks there. And not for any other reason.
….ok yes for another reason.
It would be really nice to see that boy again.

Work was ok. I made $350. I’m going to take tomorrow off to rest. I know I really should work and make as much as I can now, but I really need a break.

I babysat Ryan before work today. He tried to show me every toy he had and watched me touch them and look at them. He asked me a lot of questions and tried to touch me everywhere. He touched my breasts. That was really scary, but he said he was sorry when he saw how I reacted to it.
I wanted to make him something to eat but when I was in the kitchen, Mr. Johnson came home. He asked me if I was finding everything OK. I stuttered a lot talking to him but managed to say that I did. I asked him what Ryan normally eats for snacks and he came over to find it to me.
He was too close.
He got little rice crackers and put cheese and basil tomato sauce and some pastrami on them to make little pizzas. He said Ryan loved those.
He made small ones for Ryan and two big ones for me.
I wonder if he knows about me. If he did I doubt he would be treating me this well.

Ryan loved the pizza crackers. I have to remember that for next time. They were really good.

Someone almost forced me to give him a blowjob today. Not only do I not know how to do one, but I would have thrown up on him. My lips are not going anywhere close to a penis unless the penis is attached to someone I love.

Anyway, this is Dan’s Plan for Aaron:
Aaron goes into a Gym usually around the same time on a certain day. I thought it was weird that he would only be going to a gym one or two days a week.
That doesn’t sound like the healthiest way to work out but he did seem to have a very nice body. I bet he doesn’t have to do much to keep in shape.
Dan wants me to join the gym and bump into Aaron.
“Bump” being the keyword. I can’t have it spontaneous; I have to have it planned out.
Dan said the best place to bump into him would be at the fruit bar that they have at the side of the gym. He said if I ever saw Aaron go on line, I would wait until he moved to the side to wait for his food or drink. Then I would have to sneak in behind him and stand on which side I figure he would turn around to leave.
I told Dan there was no way that I would be able to know which way he would turn to leave. With my luck, I would probably be standing on the right behind him and he would turn to leave on the left and not even see me.
Dan said you can tell which direction a person turns to leave. They usually leave the opposite the side the wall is. If the wall is on the left and close, the person will turn to the right. Humans, Dan said, instinctually don’t like to have their backs to the rest of the world. Facing a wall would make them feel anxious without even knowing it, so they would turn the other way.
Yes, it was long and drawn out. Dan explained it like a Psychology professor. He looked so dorky and excited too. It was cute.
After he told me this, I waited for him to continue. But he didn’t. So I asked what the next step was. He said I would have to play it by ear after that.
Say excuse me. Smile. Say hi. Say you recognize him from the club. Ask him if he goes to the gym. Dan doesn’t understand that that scared me. Talking like that to someone. I’m too shy to do that.
It sound be nice if I had Dan’s personality. Outgoing. Charming. Kind. No wonder everyone falls in love with him.
He’s making sure that I’m treated well here and have everything that I need. In the morning, when I come out of the bathroom, he’s standing there, like a puppy. He then hugs me and hugs me all the way down the steps. Then all the way to the kitchen table. Then as I eat, he hugs me. If Ryan sees, Ryan mimics it.
I’m really really blessed to be here. I just hope I don’t mess it up somehow.

I’m not going to write down my dates anymore. Reading back, I hate remembering them. I want them to be a blur.

I hate going to the bathroom. I had to take pills today that made me lose a lot of water weight, so I was in the bathroom a lot. It was embarrassing. I hope Mr. Johnson doesn’t think anything is weird with me.
I went about 6 times in the span of five hours.
I hated it.
I hate touching it.
I hate seeing it.
I want to sit down and pee. That’s not too much to ask, is it?
I washed my hands a lot afterwards. They feel raw. I had to use baby lotion to make them feel normal again. Ry has a lot of lotions and massage oils. He’s a spoiled rotten baby.
I like seeing him latching on to Dan when he’s walking around the house. I think it’s cute that Dan will walk past my room down the hallway, and then five seconds later, this tiny little boy will walk by too carrying a toy or dragging a huge stuffed animal behind him.

I would like to have a child. But in the far far far future. If I ever get married, how will I explain that I can’t have children? I don’t want to lie anymore, but I don’t know how else to say it.
“I was born a boy.”
I can’t say that. There’s no way I’m comfortable even mentioning that I used to live like a man only two years ago.

I’m going to take a shower then go to the library with India and one of her friend. It sounds nerdy but we both need to get books out for class.
I need a book on Art in Europe in the 18th century. And one about sculptures around the world.

I went for a walk today.
It was so crisp outside. Really chilly, but no wind, no clouds. Just sunshine and cold.
I went to the west park. I brought a towel with me and I set it down under a tree. Then I sat down.
That’s all I did.
I sat down. I made sure my legs were crossed one over the other. I had jeans on, so there was no way anyone could see anything. I have to make sure I sit a certain way so that nothing shows.
I thought of a lot of things. Maybe I thought of too much.
I thought of my future mostly.
I want to get my surgeries done. I want to make it so that there is no trace left of who I was. I want to be completely female and comfortable with myself.
Then, I want to fall in love.
I want him to be caring and gentle. I don’t care what he looks like. I just want a beautiful smile, and for him to love me and be gentle. I’m so sick of being grabbed and pushed around. I want someone to touch me gently.
I want someone who won’t think I have a price tag on my back. My company and time is priceless. I’m not worth $200 an hour. I’m priceless, but I’ll give you everything if you love me and treat me well.
I hope I can find him.

Im back.
For some reason.
Hi. I'm back.
Dan has worn me down. I'm moving in with him.
He said he loved me and didn't want me to struggle as I was living on my own.
He has so many things to keep straight in his life yet he thinks about me. I'm really lucky to have him.
I'm moving in on the 15th, so I won't be able to log in for a while and update. I will after I get settled in. I wonder how different it will be to live with him.

Will I see him walking around naked?
Will...he see me?
Will I see gross things that I'm not used to seeing? I can't stand hair in the drain or pee on the seat.
Will I be able to deal with his baby? Well, Ryan is very well behaved.
Will...I catch Dan and his man having sex? I can't face him if I do.
I'll be too nervous to walk around in their house because I could bump into Demi. He's an amazing man, but I get quiet and shy around him. I don't know why. Maybe I'm not used to an older man being nice to me and not paying me.

Dan is going to help me pack. And unpack. I'm excited about getting out of this place but I'm also sad I'll have to leave it.

I didn't know I could write in color.
How long have I been on here? And I didn't know.

Class tomorrow. I have my first painting done. I think it looks pretty good. I've spent a lot of time on it. I even gave up a night of work to finish it.
I fell asleep on a tube of paint and now my stomach is green.
Well, only a little part.
But it's green. It kind of looks like a disease.
I've tried to scrub it off but I think I'm hurting my skin.

India is trying to get me another job. But I don't know if I have enough time to do that. I dont know of any other place where I can work and get the same paycheck at the end of the night. At my current job, I keep 75%, the number I usually write down, and give the rest to the club. If I worked retail, I would make 7:50 an hour or something. I can't use that.

I feel really good now. Nothing can stop me today.
I hope it's a great day.

Dear Elle,
I wish you weren't so useless.
I hate you.
Sincerely, Me